Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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