The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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