I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
It's shark week go big or go home
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
