piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
