Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
