onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
