Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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