i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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