I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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