it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
