If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
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