A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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