We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
he was CRYING into my vagina
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
