I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
