WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
