Kareoke will never be a sober sport
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
