Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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