She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
