ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
