It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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