his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
