So drunk its hurt
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
