You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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