ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
