More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
