Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
