i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
