Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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