Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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