My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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