I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
