Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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