I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
