thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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