I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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