I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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