Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
