my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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