I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
