You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
