I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
