i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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