When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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