I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
