last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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