____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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