my soul wont recognize me after tonight
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
