I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
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