i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
