I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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