My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
