i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
