There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
